Monday, September 17, 2012

Feelings...its getting personal

So after going to my family doctor and my gyno and getting blood work done, I have learned nothing new. I am def not preggos, which I already new. My blood work came back all normal and my internal exam didn't show anything out of the ordinary as well. My gyno wants me to get an ultra sound to make sure everything is fine.
This whole thing is so frustrating because it is so inconsistant. I will be totally fine all day then BAM I am curled up in a ball crying my eyes out hoping to puke so the pain will stop. Then in a hour or so, I am feeling normal again. And I will go days between episodes. I have also noticed that I am having chest pains much more often. I dont know if it is heartburn because I dont think I have ever had heartburn and it doesn't happen after eating. It just feels like my chest starts to feel super tight and unconfortable to breathe. I feel like I am sufficated and litterally all I want to do is rip my bra off (something I can't exactly do during my workday)
I have also been having crazy wild dreams. I have weird dreams everyonce in a while but this is like 5-6 dreams in a night every single night. After each dream, I wake up and have trouble falling back asleep regardless of whether or not is was a good or bad dream.
I really think that a big part of my problem is stress. It has been a really hard summer for me and I have had a hard time dealing. I don't often share my feelings when I am hurt, upset, sad, mad ect. I let it all build up til one day I explode. But this time, I am imploding. While I do want to persist to make sure I really am fine physically, I have seriously started considering seeing a pyschologist.
One of my biggest problems is that I want everyone to like me. I care what other people think or say about me. If someone doesn't like me, I tear myself up wondering why and what I can do better. But the truth is that if someone doesn't like me it is his or her problem not mine! If someone has a problem with me, it is just that they have the problem! I can only be the best person that I can be. And not to be self-centered, but I am pretty friggin fabulous! I just need to remind myself that.
I also tend to keep quiet when someone hurt my feelings or upsets me because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I know how it feels to be hurt, and I would rather just hurt myself then to stand up for myself and risking stepping on their toes. Well, thats a bunch of crap. I need to stop letting people walk all over me. I need to call people out on their behaviors. I need to stop letting people talk down to me.
I need outlets to work out my stress. I am going to try several different things to help relieve my stress. First, I need to start exercising again. I always feel better after. It is a great stress reliever and it will help me sleep better at night. Second, I need to get back into a scripture reading habit. Reading scriptures soothes my soul. And third, I want to be more crafty and make my apartment feel more like a home. I want to make throw pillows and curtains. I want to actually start to do all the things I repinned on pinterest. I feel like I need to do something more productive. Fourth, I need more of a social life. All I do is work, watch tv and sleep. I need to get out of the house and do something. I have a book club once a month, which is great, but I think I need a little bit more then that. I have always been a rather quiet and shy person so I need to suck it up and invite friends over for lunch or dinner. And last but not least, I want to blog more. It is kind like a journal to me and I enjoy it. I can get my thoughts and ideas out and even get feedback from friends.
I hope that once I get myself together emotionally and spiritually, my body will get it together physically and the pain and discomfort can stop. Any other ideas?

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