Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 a year of change

2013 has been an interesting year. It was full of ups and downs. The second half of the year has been very difficult, hence the lack of blog posts, but I have learned and grown so much. Events of the summer really started me thinking and set me on a path of self discovery. Most of my life, I have focused on making others happy. I always put other's wants and feelings above my own. After the summer, I decided that I need to do things for me, which is why I decided to go back to school.
It has not been easy! The first course was a life skills class. The work itself has been very simple. The challenge has been the time and commitment. We meet every Thursday night in Philadelphia. When I began the school year, I was working as an assistant manager in West Cape May. In the past, our trucks always came on Tuesdays during the winter. So naturally, this year our truck day was moved to Thursdays. Luckily, our deliveries came early in the morning so I left work in time to get to the gathering. I would wake up sometime between 3:30-4am to get ready for work. I would leave work and get home around 3pm. I needed to leave my house at 4:30 to get to my ride's house. I wouldn't get home from class until 11-11:30pm. Let me tell you, waking up at 3:30am and getting to bed at midnight is rough. Thursdays soon became dreaded. I so badly wanted to quit school.
When an opportunity arose at CVS to become a manager, I jumped at the chance. My DM sent me to a store to run it as the manager for a few weeks as a trial run. This store still got truck on Thursdays, but instead of the morning, it would come at night, between 7 and 8 pm. My class starts at 7pm.
The manager that had been there had been looking for another job for a while and really stopped doing the work in the store that needed to be done. The store was a train wreck. I was worried that now I needed to choose between Pathway and work. I have never not been at a delivery. It was a difficult decision. I had not been officially promoted and needed to prove myself at work before I got the job. I felt that not being present during deliveries would hamper my performance, especially because of the state that particular store was in. An area that it was really struggling with was putting away deliveries in a timely manner
I chose to continue to attend class. Work continued to get harder. I would go in the office and cry everyday. During this time, my father had major open heart surgery. When I was at work, I worried about him and wanted to be at the hospital to support my mom. When I was with them at the hospital, I was worried about work. I stopped being able to sleep. I had a very difficult time falling asleep and would wake every two hours with horrible nightmares. I also stopped being able to eat. I would be hungry, but the thought of food made me nauseous. When I would try to swallow, my gag reflex would kick in and I would throw up my food. I lived off of Gatorade and lost over 10 pounds. I was starting to seriously lose it. 
 I then came across a scripture in The Book of Mormon that really struck me.
Mosiah 4:9: “Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.”
I needed to put my trust in Heavenly Father. I know that He has a plan for me and my life. I may not understand what that plan is, but I trust that He does. This experience has helped strengthen my testimony so much. I truly depended on my father in heaven to get me through every day.
In my mind, I had two choices, I could move forward and become the manager of this store and be miserable or I could give up this opportunity (not knowing if or when another would present itself) and remain an assistant manager. Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, something happened at work that made the decision easy for me. I spent Thanksgiving day praying to know if I was making the right decision. Friday, I met with me DM to talk about my progress and discuss whether or not I got the job as manager.
I went into the meeting completely committed to asking to remain an assistant. My boss had other plans. He promoted me to a store manager of a different store, the 34th street Ocean City store. I never dreamed that was a possibility. This is the store I was hired in as a cashier 3 and a half years ago. It is also less than 5 miles from my house! I had been traveling 30 miles. 
Ocean City has been a good change for me, but the stress and anxiety hasn't quite left and it has continued to wreak havoc on my body. After a trip to the hospital, I am on medication for gastritis and acid reflux. My family doctor has also suggested that I start seeing a counselor about my anxiety.
As difficult as this year has been, I am honestly grateful for the challenges I have had. I have grown so much. These struggles has forced me to face things that I have run away from in the past.  I know that 2014 will continue to challenge me and that I will need to make some difficult decisions. Decisions that are hard and painful but will continue to benefit me in the long run. Had I not experienced everything that I did in 2013, I don't think I would have the strength to make these plans and decisions.

Sorry for being so cryptic. I want to use this blog as a release for me and a journal, but some details are too personal to put out there for anyone to see. Especially while I am still trying to figure everything out.  But thanks for reading my ramblings :)

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